Come Wake Me Up
by leoslady4ever
Summary: Sometimes, you can make a mistake so bad, there's no hope of correcting it, no way to make up for it. Lucy has learned this the hard way, her actions having painful, life-altering consequences.
1. Chapter 1

_**~~~COME WAKE ME UP~~~**_

My heels clicked on the sidewalk as the night closed in around me, people around me scurrying off to their homes, mothers sweeping their little ones through doorways with a smile, husbands ushering their wives inside with a gentle hand. The hour was growing late, the street completely deserted, save for my lone figure.

_Lone._ It was a term I'd become quite familiar with over the last 3 months. It was a word that described me so well now, my life perfectly representing the definition. 3 months...that's how long he'd been gone, 90 days, more than 2,000 hours since I had laid eyes on him.

A ragged sigh made its way from deep inside me, as I pushed through the front door of my house. All was quiet, just like it was every night when I got home from work, no lights on anywhere, no voice calling out from the bedroom in welcome. The silence was so stifling, so oppressing as I stepped inside and shut the door.

Once upon a time, I'd had everything I could have ever wanted, a life any woman would be happy to have. It was just too bad I'd ruined it all. I couldn't say that I blamed him for leaving; that would be a lie, and I had made it a rule long ago to never lie to myself or anyone else. No, I wasn't a liar. I was just stupid.

I made my way to the kitchen, going straight for the little cabinet beside the refrigerator and pulled out the bottle of whiskey. It had become a habit after the first week of no Gray. I'd come in, pour myself a tumbler of the smooth brown liquid, and flip on the TV. I couldn't take the quiet anymore. It was no longer peaceful or comforting. No, now it was achingly loud, pushing against me from all around.

I leaned against the counter and lifted the glass to my lips as the first memory hit me.

_We sat there at the table, both of us still in the clothes we'd slept in, his hair mussed from sleeping. His eyes were bright, having woken up long ago, unlike myself, who'd rolled out of bed long after the sun rose, and only with the promise of pancakes. I'd made a cup of coffee on my way to the table, and I watched as his hand inched over and scooped up the warm mug. _

"_Hey!" I called, giving him a mock dirty look._

_His answer was a comical smirk as he lifted it to his lips, taking a long drink, before handing it back to me. I pouted at him as I looked into the now half-empty cup, "Why can't you just fix yourself a cup instead of always stealing mine?"_

"_Yours tastes better," he suggested and then laughed as I rolled my eyes. _

He had started that almost from the very beginning - stealing my drink, no matter what it was, and then offering the same sad excuse. I'd of course scold him for his thievery, pretending I was angry at him as I worked to hide my grin. Somehow it had become a habit, a funny little joke between the two of us.

A tear slipped down my cheek as I lifted my glass again, letting the liquor burn its way down my throat. I straightened myself, leaving the room behind, as well as the bittersweet memory, as I walked into the den and settled onto the couch. I snatched up the remote and switched on the TV, needing the noise to kill off the sound of emptiness that filled the room.

I looked down to set the remote on the couch, and almost immediately, I was hit with another flashback.

_Gray had stretched himself out on the sofa, his eyes intently focused on the TV as I walked into the room. He turned his dark eyes to me, his lips lifting in a smile as he beckoned, "Come watch the movie with me." _

"_And where would you like me to sit?" I asked with a laugh, as I pointed out that he was taking up the entire couch. _

_He slid his body back, lying on his side to make space, and said, "Here, lay with me."_

"_There's no way I'm going to fit there," I disagreed, shaking my head at his suggestion. _

"_Sure you will. Come on," he repeated, reaching out to tug me down into the spot in front of him. _

_I laid down with him, but feeling my body right on the edge, I moved to get up, saying, "Gray, I'm going to fall."_

"_No, you won't baby," he denied, wrapping a strong arm around me, as he assured, "I've got you."_

I sat there in the place where he had held me so close and cried, his voice so loud in my head, I could almost swear he was in the room with me. The memory hit me like a fiery punch to the gut, burning up my insides, and I gasped at the pain. I looked down at the glass in my hand, and cursed.

It was going to be one of those nights, the ones that got me when I was too tired to fight. I could usually drink thoughts of him away, push the pictures of him out of my mind, at least for a while, but sometimes, they refused to leave, denying me even a small moment of peace. Those nights, I couldn't forget him at all, his smile, his voice.

Nights like this, he would haunt me, his specter taunting me with memories of his arms surrounding me. God, he made me feel so safe. I'd never felt that way before, absolutely sure that everything would be okay, but with one hug from him, all my fears and worries would disappear.

I reached for the remote once again, pressing my finger to the volume button, turning the sound up even louder, and prayed it could drown out his voice. The nights I could hear him were both a blessing and a curse for me, as I prayed for his voice to never quit, while simultaneously wishing for it to stop. It was heart breaking to make his beautiful baritone disappear, but it was just too hard.

Standing to my feet, I left the room in a hurry, my steps propelling me towards the bathroom, as I drained the last of the whiskey in my glass. I turned on the shower, and pulled my clothes off, tossing them into the laundry basket that Gray had never managed to make use of. I shook my head, frowning at the errant thought, and stepped under the hot spray with a tired sigh.

I washed quickly, hoping to avoid any memories of the two of us in there. I didn't think I could handle anymore tonight. I already felt so raw. I stepped from the shower, feeling hopeful that the walk down memory lane was over, but as the large garden tub came into view, my mind stirred, remembering again.

_Bubbles floated atop the water, clinging to my body, my skin already turning pink from the warm temperature. I smiled lightly as I turned the page on a book, my mind totally immersed in one of my favorite scenes, when I heard a noise. I looked up as the door opened, revealing a mop of messy black hair._

_"You planning on living in there?" Gray joked, his lips tipping up in amusement._

_"My book was just getting good," I answered excitedly._

_He stepped fully into the room, and said, "So, I take it you'll be in there until you wrinkle."_

_I giggled and nodded, before suggesting, "Why don't you get in here with me?"_

_"Okay," he responded quickly, before divesting himself of his clothing, once again leaving them in the middle of the floor, and climbed in across from me._

I wiped my face with my towel and moved to my bedroom, trying to escape. God I missed him so much. I couldn't forget him. I still loved him as much now as I did before, more so now because I knew what I missing out on. He was like an ache that would never leave me, a wound that could never heal. I was broken, and I knew it wasn't going to get better.

My friends all offered the same advice, give it time and things would get easier. It was a nice sentiment, but it was a lie. I couldn't let him go. I still wanted him so badly, still needed him. The pain of losing him wasn't getting better. It still felt just as real and sharp as it did the day he left. Time had done nothing to dull it; if anything, it had gotten worse the longer he was gone.

I slipped on my panties and a big t-shirt, one of the few I had managed to hide from Gray when he'd moved out. It was pathetic, I knew, but I hadn't been able to stop myself, needing this small reminder that he'd been here.

I pulled the covers back and sank into the spot that had been his, and pulled the blankets over me. I took in a deep breath and swore I could almost smell him on the pillow. Damn, but it hurt so much. I lay there and sobbed, the agony stabbing through me again.

He was out there somewhere, probably happily living his life, facing each day with a smile. I was certain he had moved on from us, not thinking twice about me, and why shouldn't he? He deserved to be happy. Gray deserved to have everything he'd ever wanted.

I knew I needed to let go, to give up on him ever returning. It would probably be healthier to do so, but I couldn't seem to stop hoping. I kept wishing for a miracle, that somehow, he'd realize he still loved me, that he'd forgive me and come home. It was a foolish thing; I knew it, but I couldn't stop loving him. I just couldn't.

The night lay ahead of me empty and long, just like the one before. I knew I wouldn't get any sleep; I never did when Gray preyed on my mind this much. He probably had no trouble sleeping, his every night most likely full of blissful dreams, while I spent my evenings in this bed, hoping he'd come back to me. It was no more than I deserved. I should be the one in pain, the one plagued with these memories.

_I climbed into the bed, flipping my pillow onto the cool side, before settling myself beneath the heavy quilt. No more than a minute later, Gray walked in the room, switching off the light and climbing in beside me. He drew the covers up, then began kicking his legs, making the covers fly up into the air. _

_"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, giggling at his bizarre actions._

_"The covers were tucked under the mattress. I hate that, makes my feet feel like they're trapped," he replied matter-of-factly._

_I laughed aloud, before feeling a chill and I squealed, "Hey, cut it out! You're pulling the covers off my feet."_

_He laughed a bit, doing it once more before rolling over, moving over my body, his arms on either side of me to brace himself, and asked teasingly, "Wanna have some fun?"_

My eyes welled with tears as my feelings overwhelmed me. I'd always found it so hard to believe that such an incredible man wanted me, cared about me. It had been shocking to me, and my heart always swelled with love for him. He was amazing, and I couldn't fathom how he had ever become mine.

I clutched the pillow to me tightly, pretending for the moment that it was him, that he was there beside me. I fought for the illusion, but it denied me, instead reminding me again of how I'd messed everything up, repeating the words Gray had said that last day before he walked out of my life.

My mind refused to forget what I'd done or the look in his eyes. He was so hurt, his face a mask of pain as he told me how betrayed he felt. I'd begged, pleaded with him to give me another chance, to forgive me for my indiscretion. But I had revealed something so personal, something he'd trusted only me with, and he just couldn't trust me anymore.

I remembered trying to explain that I hadn't meant to harm him, but it didn't make a difference. Regardless of my reason, I'd hurt him, and destroyed the bond we'd shared. He'd given me a final look before he walked out the door, a look so full of devastation and disappointment. That was the moment I had finally gotten it, I finally understood what I'd done, but it was too late. The damage was done, and I couldn't take it back.

I sobbed again, burying my face into the fabric as I screamed out my anguish into the silence. Oh how I wished he was here to save me from this unbearable night, from this endlessly lonely life. I wanted Gray beside me, lying just behind me, his arm wrapped tightly around my waist as he whispered, "Goodnight."

I reached for my phone on the table beside the bed, dialing up my voicemail, and played the saved recording. I squeezed my eyes shut as the sound of his deep voice filled my ear, and prayed this was all a dream, some horrible nightmare I couldn't escape.

My tears poured down my face, soaking my pillow as Gray kept talking, and my mind pleaded like it always did at night, wishing for the impossible.

_Please let me be dreaming...Gray, come wake me up._


	2. Chapter 2

_**~~~~~COME WAKE ME UP~~~~~**_

_**CHAPTER 2**_

The air was brisk as I made my way toward the restaurant, my steps long and quick to avoid being late. The wind whipped through the busy street, causing me to pull my jacket tighter around me. I shivered, realizing I probably should have worn something more appropriate, but that was just par for the course with me.

I'd never been good at paying attention to the weather, which meant that more often than not, I ended up out in town in something completely opposite of what the weather called for. It was something Lucy had always taken care of for me, making sure I was dressed properly. Had she still been with me, she'd have laughed and shook her head before handing me a thicker coat and my gloves.

Closing my eyes, I shoved the thought aside, knowing it was only a matter of time until it returned. She had plagued my mind nearly every moment since the day I left, the memory of her slipping into my thoughts at the most random of times. I'd tried to avoid things that would remind me of her, but it was impossible to do. Everything reminded me of her.

Everywhere I looked, I could see her, and I wanted to scream. I was trying to forget her, forget about what I thought we'd had together, everyday fighting to move on, but I'd never known it would be so hard. I felt like I carried a part of her around with me, and no matter where I went, I couldn't escape. Maybe that was why she was always there in the back of my mind. Maybe, I'd never be free of her.

_What a cheerful thought._ Once, I'd have found it to be comforting, knowing she'd always be with me, but things had changed. The life I had planned certainly hadn't gone the way I'd imagined. In a single moment, everything had been destroyed, all my dreams sucked away into a vortex of pain.

In that one instant, I'd lost it all. My home, my happiness, my faith, the woman I loved. In one fell swoop, it was gone, and in its place was a well of emptiness like I had never known. I still hadn't found a way past it, still felt so angry I could explode. It was like I was stuck there, still feeling like I'd been punched in the gut with this overwhelming urge to cry like a damn baby.

I'd felt like such a fool. I'd given her all of my trust, told her things about myself that I'd told no one else. There were just some things that I'd refused to share with anyone but the woman I meant to spend the rest of my life with. I thought she'd realized how important her discretion was to me, how much I valued her loyalty.

It had been such a shock to me, finding out that she'd revealed something like that. After everything she'd done to win my trust, all the things I'd put her through to test her, and it had come to nothing. She'd worked so hard to gain my faith, and the moment she'd obtained it, she had thrown it all away. _Why?_

I still didn't understand. I didn't know if I ever would. Of course, it didn't really matter, did it? She'd taken my secret, the one thing I'd asked her to protect, and laid it bare to her best friend. Understanding why she did it would change nothing.

Scowling at the turn my thoughts had taken, I shook my head and tried to put it aside. I wasn't out tonight to think about Lucy. I could have done that at my apartment. No, I admonished myself, I could have done that at home. I tested the word on my tongue and tried to picture the small efficiency apartment, but my mind refused.

Try as I might, I still couldn't think of anywhere as home but the house I'd lived with Lucy. The house that held all our memories, had my favorite chair, the big bathtub. That place was still home to me. Or maybe it had nothing to do with the building. Maybe it was just her that made it feel like home.

"Goddammit," I cursed, rubbing at my head. I had to stop this. I had to let go of the past, of her. I was never going to wake up and find this was all some horrible dream, and I had to find a way to accept the way things were. There could be no going back.

I didn't give my trust easily, and once it was broken, there was no patching it up. I just wasn't built that way. I'd been betrayed by too many people in the past. I didn't have it in me to try again, not after this.

Firming my resolve, I hurried the last block to the small bar and grill, fully intending to give this night a real shot. This was supposed to be a chance to get out, get my head clear and just enjoy myself. So far, I had failed miserably, but that was going to change.

Pulling open the door, I decided...I was going to have a good time. No more thoughts about the past, or Lucy, or all the nights I'd lain awake missing her. Tonight, I would stuff it all so far down inside me, there'd be no chance of it climbing back out...at least for a while.

I stepped out of the cold and sighed as the cozy warmth of the place wrapped itself around me. I shrugged out of my jacket and moved up to the hostess station.

"Hi! Welcome to Charlie's," the cheerful woman called above the noise of the bar behind her. She looked behind me and asked, "Just you tonight?"

I nearly snorted. _Story of my life,_ I wanted to say, but bit my tongue. Oh the irony. "No, I'm meeting someone. She should already be here."

"Oh good," she said, looking down at a list on the counter, "Let's see if we can find her for you...What's the name?"

"Lockser. Juvia Lockser."

* * *

An hour and a half later found us full from a rather unhealthy dinner of burgers and fries, and for the first time in a while, I was feeling pretty good. I was enjoying the easy atmosphere and the nondescript conversation with Juvia. My head felt clear, and I wasn't ready to let that go.

So, choosing avoidance, I had suggested we stay for a while and have a few beers. Juvia had been more than happy to agree, and we were off again, laughing and talking about absolutely nothing.

We were well into our third round of beers, when she had slipped from her seat for a bathroom break, and moments later as if by providence, my phone rang. I groaned at the interruption, but reached into my pocket anyway. Though I wished to do so, I couldn't ignore the call. It could be important, and I wasn't one to avoid people.

Swiping my finger across the screen, I put the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

The response on the other end of the line was silence, not a sound to be heard. I tried again, "Hello? Anyone there?"

Still getting nothing, I pulled the phone away from my ear to check my signal. Finding no problems on my end, I spoke again, thinking maybe the other person was having trouble with theirs, "Hello? Can you hear me?"

When no answer came again, I sighed and was just about to cancel the call when a small voice said my name. The sound was enough to suck the air out of my lungs, and I sat there staring at my phone. I made no move to connect the gadget back to my ear. I was simply far too stunned to react.

"Gray..." she said again, slightly louder this time.

My earlier calm now gone, I shakily lifted the phone to my ear, and somehow managed to croak out, "Lucy?"

She hiccuped into the phone, then sighed, "It's really you."

I opened my mouth to respond, but considering I had no idea why she was calling or what to say, I shut it again. What could she possibly want? It had been months, and not once had she called me. Why now?

"Oh Gray..." she said sadly, her words stretching into a slur.

What the hell? Since when did she start drinking? I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. She'd never been one to drink. She'd always been such a light-weight when it came to alcohol that she usually stuck to a single drink. When had that changed?

Before I could come up with something to say, she was continuing. "I miss you," she said, before giving a bitter laugh. "I can't even sleep cause you won't leave me alone. But I don't want you to leave me alone, cause then you'd be gone."

"Lucy..." I didn't know what to say. She sounded so broken, and I hadn't realized how much it would hurt to hear her that way.

"But you're already gone, aren't you?" Her voice cracked, and then she was crying. "I ruined everything...and now I'm all alone..."

She paused again, and for a moment all I could hear was the sound of gut-wrenching sobs. It was breaking my heart, but I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell her it would all be okay, because right now, I felt very certain that nothing would ever alright again. I swallowed hard, willing the thickness in my throat to go away.

"I...I don't know how to do this, Gray. I can't..." she whispered brokenly. "I'm sorry...I'm just so sorry."

My eyes blurred at her words, and I raised my hand to my forehead, covering the telltale signs of my pain. How it could still hurt this much was a mystery to me, and I waited for the anger to come. I waited for it to sweep over me like it usually did and wash everything away in a haze of red, but it didn't.

I sat there, almost wishing for it, willing it to distract me from the ache in my chest. But there was nothing but a vast sense of regret and the pain that had been my constant companion for months. I wanted to be pissed at her for dredging it all up, but truthfully, it was always there. It had never left my thoughts for long.

She gave a loud sniff over the phone, and I sighed as my heart clenched. I could see her in my head, her eyes swollen, her face flushed an unflattering shade of pink, her shoulders heaving with the force of her cries. She'd always been such a messy crier, and had avoided letting me see that side of her until well into our relationship. She had hated how she'd looked and sounded, so the fact that she was weeping so openly now told just how upset she really was.

"I wish...I wish I could...take it all back," she whimpered, her shaky breath halting her words, "But I can't. I can't fix it."

Her voice trailed off, and in that moment, all I could hear was her guilt, her self-loathing. Once again, the thought came that she sounded fractured, like parts of her were missing, and I couldn't help wondering if those were the parts that had burrowed into my heart. Was that why she was this way? Had I stolen a piece of her that couldn't be replaced?

Shaking my head on the strange thought, I cleared my throat, determined to contribute something to the conversation, but what? What the hell could I say? Was I going to tell her that I see her everywhere I go, that I couldn't forget her?

Before I could fabricate a sentence, she spoke again, her tone far more timid than before. "Do...do you ever think about me?"

The question hit me like a shot to the gut. My heart begged for the truth, prodding me to tell her how much I'd missed her. That I lay awake at night staring up at the ceiling wishing she was beside me? That sometimes, I still wake up expecting her to be there? Could I tell her that hearing her voice saying my name made me weak?

My mind rebelled at the thought, argued against exposing myself again. She had hurt me a great deal, worse than anyone else had ever been able to, and I couldn't just ignore that. I couldn't give her more ammunition to do it again, could I?

Into the silence, she sniffed again. "I...understand. You were right to leave me. You deserve someone better, you always did."

_What?_ My heart pounded in my chest at her admission, the frantic beat sending out a warning that I didn't quite comprehend. Something in her voice was off, the sound coming across all wrong. There was something there that I wasn't understanding, and that left me with a bad feeling. "Lucy-"

"Sorry it took so long, Gray," Juvia broke in, climbing back into her seat, "You wouldn't believe the line back there."

I nearly groaned aloud as the sound carried over the din. I got that same tightening in my chest, the same flash of warning, just as Lucy's soft voice filtered through the phone once more.

"I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry. I won't..." she paused to let out a ragged breath before she finished, "I won't bother you again."

The phone clicked immediately after, and she was gone. I sat there for a moment, staring at the phone in my hand as if waiting for it to ring again. But some part of me knew it wasn't going to happen. She wouldn't be calling back. It was there in her soft farewell, that air of finality. Her voice had held such emptiness as she'd uttered her promise, the words a sad resignation to a life of loneliness.

She spoke as if she knew she'd already been beaten, like she'd finally accepted that it was over, and all there was left to do was give up. And it hit me. That was what I'd heard, what my heart had been warning me of - she had finally given up.

It should have been a good thing, a way to make it easier for me to let her go, but it wasn't. It felt like the world was closing in on me, the air around me becoming far too thin to breathe. I gasped at the sensation, suddenly feeling shaky, staggered at the depth of sorrow I felt in the wake of this revelation.

I hadn't realized that I still held hope for us. I had been sure it had all been erased, but now I realized that somewhere deep inside, I had longed for a different outcome, for a chance to put us back together again.

All this time, I had struggled to keep her at bay, holding on to my anger in a bid to stay strong. I had convinced myself that it was too dangerous to trust her again, that I would be much safer if I stayed away. And maybe that would be true. She was bound to mess up again in the future, and I would probably get hurt if I opened myself up to her again. That was reality, because we were both human. We were going to hurt each other. People always did.

What made all the difference was the intent, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she hadn't meant to hurt me. She had made the wrong decision, but she hadn't revealed my secret for nefarious reasons. She'd done it because she needed to talk to someone about it, and I had avoided the conversation like the plague.

She had tried to talk to me on many occasions, more times than I cared to admit, but I had continuously brushed her off. I hadn't want to discuss it. I still didn't. It was one of those things that left me feeling vulnerable, and I detested that. It was a chink in my armor, a weakness that I didn't want to be reminded of.

And I had made sure she knew it. Eventually she had stopped asking, and looking back now, I suppose she was too afraid to keep trying. Of course, I hadn't thought anything about that at the time. I had simply been happy that she was finally leaving me alone about it. My priorities had been focused on me, on what made my life easier.

Now though, I was coming to realize that I had made things harder for her. This secret had been a part of our lives together, and yet I had demanded silence instead of allowing her to help me deal with it. I hadn't understood back then that my avoidance had left Lucy in a situation she hadn't known how to deal with.

It had taken me months, but now, with this one conversation, I could see the truth. I had played my own part in the destruction of our relationship just like she had. I had blamed her for everything, but the truth was that I was just as guilty as she was. I could have turned to her, we could have supported each other, but I had pushed her away.

I hadn't seen the big picture, hadn't been able to see past my own humiliation and pain at the time. She had tried so hard to help, to go through it with me, but I had wanted to pretend it didn't exist. Now, I could see that as badly as she had hurt me with her supposed betrayal, I had hurt her just as much. I still was.

In the space of 5 minutes, everything had changed. I could see the writing on the wall, and it was glaringly obvious that I still loved her. That wasn't going to change, and now that I was thinking clearly, I knew I didn't want it to. How had I thought I could rid myself of her? She was a part of me. She was entrenched into my very soul.

All this time I had spent fighting how I felt, trying to forget about her, but I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I hadn't been able to let her go, and now I understood why. Because deep in my heart, I hadn't really wanted to say goodbye. And now, because of my stubborn pride, I just might have to.


End file.
